Climbing Phrases For The Modern Climber
Climbing has a rich heritage of words and terms that we use to describe our experiences. But some expressions that were in vogue just a few years ago may now seem dated (can climbing still be awesome or rad?). So, as an elder statesman of the sport, I think we need to create a whole new series of climbing phrases that new climbers can use while they epic their way through life.
A severe case of an Insta-Flammed arm.
Insta-Flammed
When a kid is so busy posting on his phone that his forearms get too pumped to climb.
Usage: "Did Johnny send yesterday, he didn't post online? Naw, he got insta-flammed and had to bail."
More Jenga than Venga
Have you ever got on a climb that was such a loose pile of choss that you wondered if it was going to come toppling down upon you? This expression is ideal for those circumstances. And the Venga is a nice tongue-in-cheek way to bring in an outdated Euroism.
Usage: "Dude did you climb that pile of crap? Yeah man, it's way more Jenga than Venga."
When a kid is so busy posting on his phone that his forearms get too pumped to climb.
Usage: "Did Johnny send yesterday, he didn't post online? Naw, he got insta-flammed and had to bail."
More Jenga than Venga
Have you ever got on a climb that was such a loose pile of choss that you wondered if it was going to come toppling down upon you? This expression is ideal for those circumstances. And the Venga is a nice tongue-in-cheek way to bring in an outdated Euroism.
Usage: "Dude did you climb that pile of crap? Yeah man, it's way more Jenga than Venga."
Reinhold Messner and his Whiskers
Reinhold's Whiskers
Every Nordic-type or Thor-wannabe worth their salt has at one time said "By Odin's beard" about something truly awe-inspiring. Well, for many climbers, Reinhold Messner is a godlike figure. Next time you see a climber do something incredibly bold or amazing, you can say, "By Reinhold's Whiskers, did he really just solo that crumbling pile of choss?" (see More Jenga than Venga)
Reinhold
An old climber.
Usage: "Check out Reinhold over there hobnailing his way up the slab." (slab = anything less than 110 degrees)
Every Nordic-type or Thor-wannabe worth their salt has at one time said "By Odin's beard" about something truly awe-inspiring. Well, for many climbers, Reinhold Messner is a godlike figure. Next time you see a climber do something incredibly bold or amazing, you can say, "By Reinhold's Whiskers, did he really just solo that crumbling pile of choss?" (see More Jenga than Venga)
Reinhold
An old climber.
Usage: "Check out Reinhold over there hobnailing his way up the slab." (slab = anything less than 110 degrees)
Glazed goodness
Glazed
While at first this expression may appear to refer to a greasy or polished hold/route, it's actually used to reference something totally amazing. Let me explain. There are doughnuts, and then there are glazed doughnuts. There is ham, and then there is glazed ham. Therefore, glazed things are better than non-glazed things.
Usage: "Hey man, that route wasn't just good, it was glazed." Or, "Have you checked out the new crag G-Man's been developing? That shit is glazed."
Bedding the Kids
Similar to Putting the Kids to Bed (see below). This is when, as an old-timer, you show the kids how it's done (especially on an old-skool test piece) and make them cry or want to quit climbing.
Usage: "After the school group got shut down at the crux of Bearded Cabbage, Reinhold over there came by and totally Bedded the Kids like they were just learning to walk." (school group = kids these days)
Putting the Kids to Bed
When an older climber uses their years of experience to destroy a new-skool route in impeccable style.
While at first this expression may appear to refer to a greasy or polished hold/route, it's actually used to reference something totally amazing. Let me explain. There are doughnuts, and then there are glazed doughnuts. There is ham, and then there is glazed ham. Therefore, glazed things are better than non-glazed things.
Usage: "Hey man, that route wasn't just good, it was glazed." Or, "Have you checked out the new crag G-Man's been developing? That shit is glazed."
Bedding the Kids
Similar to Putting the Kids to Bed (see below). This is when, as an old-timer, you show the kids how it's done (especially on an old-skool test piece) and make them cry or want to quit climbing.
Usage: "After the school group got shut down at the crux of Bearded Cabbage, Reinhold over there came by and totally Bedded the Kids like they were just learning to walk." (school group = kids these days)
Putting the Kids to Bed
When an older climber uses their years of experience to destroy a new-skool route in impeccable style.
Preparing for the zending.
Zending
Climbing a route or boulder problem with an otherworldly level of style, smoothness and calm.
Usage: "I heard J-Dawg onsighted the old project at Crag Y. Is that true? No man, J-Dawg didn't send it, he Zend it. Total Pro-Tour."
Squawkamole
Like its avocado brethren in sound only, this term refers to someone who won't shut their gipper while hanging at the base of the cliff.
Usage: "Have you been down by the Cat's Tail area? There's a friggin Kumbaya (see below) going on down there with a couple of squawkamoles. Better bring your noise-cancelling headphones if you wanna crank."
Kumbaya
A crowded crag.
Climbing a route or boulder problem with an otherworldly level of style, smoothness and calm.
Usage: "I heard J-Dawg onsighted the old project at Crag Y. Is that true? No man, J-Dawg didn't send it, he Zend it. Total Pro-Tour."
Squawkamole
Like its avocado brethren in sound only, this term refers to someone who won't shut their gipper while hanging at the base of the cliff.
Usage: "Have you been down by the Cat's Tail area? There's a friggin Kumbaya (see below) going on down there with a couple of squawkamoles. Better bring your noise-cancelling headphones if you wanna crank."
Kumbaya
A crowded crag.
Fur-Tip (needs to lose the shirt for more cred)
Fur-Tip
Someone who only covers the tip of their head for maximum exposure.
Usage: “Check out the Fur-tip over there.”
Butter Factory
A cliff that is no longer climbable because it’s heavily polished.
Usage: “No way I'm going to Rattlesnake. That place is a butter factory.”
Someone who only covers the tip of their head for maximum exposure.
Usage: “Check out the Fur-tip over there.”
Butter Factory
A cliff that is no longer climbable because it’s heavily polished.
Usage: “No way I'm going to Rattlesnake. That place is a butter factory.”
Unlike a Deadbeat Milkman, this one delivers.
Deadbeat Milkman - The Milkman is the guy that always delivers. Just ask your mom. A Deadbeat Milkman, however, is a guy who never delivers. Either he regularly botches the crux, talks shit and can't live up to the spray, or forgets to bring the hammock to the crag.
Usage: "Wow, Dwain was talking about some sick new project. He sounds like one seriously hardcore climber!" "No, the dude's a Deadbeat Milkman. I can't even remember the last time he sent."
Usage: "Wow, Dwain was talking about some sick new project. He sounds like one seriously hardcore climber!" "No, the dude's a Deadbeat Milkman. I can't even remember the last time he sent."
